Overcoming (My Testimony Part 3)

So I left off talking about how medications could not heal the damage in my soul as far as rejection and fear. In the first couple years of marriage to my wife I still battled addiction. I was smoking cigarettes and getting drunk. I would get hooked on video games and I would always try to have friends over as a way to satisfy my boredom and to self medicate. My addictive behavior and my inability to function with ADHD symptoms began to really strain my marriage.
I ended up getting laid off from the wire mill in my first year of being married. I could no longer afford the pills without health insurance . I was going to church during this time and I felt like I needed to take a step of faith and get off of the medication. I can tell you that since the summer of 2009 I have not taken medication for my ADHD. Yes, I thank God for that although I’m not going to tell you I’m cured. I still have a need to get help receiving stimulation into my brain as people with ADHD struggle to maintain proper dopamine levels. So I drink coffee and I engage things that stimulate my brain such as music and reading (especially God’s Word). I really love worship music because it helps me focus and especially on the goodness of God. A good violin or cello harmony can almost move me to tears. There is a beautiful mystery that God has placed in stringed instruments. I like to think of these as healthier approaches to getting the proper stimulation that I need in my brain to help my focus.
I’m not going to share a message that leaves you thinking, “oh great, he’s gonna tell us that God miraculously healed him and we just have to hope that it happens to us or someone that we love.” No, surprisingly I am not healed of this thing. I actually have just recently discovered that even though God put a fire in me about 6 years ago when I truly put my faith in Him, He decided it would be better to not heal me of what I call “the thorn in my flesh” (ADHD). In 2 Corinthians 12 Paul tells us that God allowed for a messenger of Satan to buffet him. He prayed to God three times to remove it, but God wanted Paul to remain humble and dependent on God. For years I felt a need to tell people that I am miraculously healed of ADHD because I was told that God is the healer and that I am faithless if I choose a label over God’s healing. I felt ashamed and didn’t want to be “faithless”. But I’m going to tell you that if Christians condemn people with the “healing prosperity gospel” you are preaching heresy. In John chapter 9 the disciples asked why a certain man was blind. They even blamed it on sin. Jesus corrected them and said that it would be for the glory of God that this man was born blind. See, God chooses to allow for infirmities to exist for His glory. The legalistic side is saying that it has to always result in a 100% healing. That is wrong when John chapter 9 and 2 Corinthians 12 starting in verse 8 have to stand next to each other. Scripture preaches scripture. Rather than heal, God can allow for someone to live with a life long infirmity to preach a message of internal healing which is what He is really concerned with. God is not concerned with our physical bodies being healed just because He’s healer. Our understanding does not always line up with His. He heals to reveal to the heart who He is so that we can be reborn in the Spirit and One with Him. He heals the physical body to heal the soul, but can still heal the soul without ever needing to heal the physical body in the way we think He should. These physical bodies continue to die daily. Otherwise we would all be immortal when we became believers. We cannot manufacture faith on our own. It’s never a matter of not having enough faith. We don’t have any faith unless it is given to us by God. He distributes our faith no matter how much we think we can believe, He alone portions that out (Romans 12:3).
Now with that to the side I would like to continue my story. After a few years of being married and outta the house my cousin, Todd Carver (Pastor Todd Carver) approached me at a Father’s Day cookout at his brother Dan’s house. He told me that he was on a mission to birth Awaken church. At this point my wife and I were no longer attending church and I was spiritually depleted. It started out as playing guitar on the worship team. This continued for a time, but then one night he preached this sermon. He asked,”What is the one thing that you won’t give to God? What is it that’s holding you back that you know needs to go?” This stirred me up. I realized that I have never told God how I really feel. That night I began to pray, “God, I have no passion to live for you. I don’t really believe that you are that important to me like you should be. I cannot obey you, my thoughts and my heart are not really with you if I am to be honest. Lord, I love cigarettes and I love drinking and these things I know you hate. God, I can’t change and I know that I need to be in love with you. Father, would you please make my heart change? Will you please give me a burden to love you? Please Lord?!”
That night I felt in my Spirit that I needed to read the Bible from front to back. Jesus says that we are to be transformed by the renewing of our mind, which by the way I was not aware of at this point in my life that that was even scriptural. I needed my tired brain and my exhausted emotions to find rest. From that day on I would fall in love with Jesus one page at a time. I became flooded with gratitude and awe as the pages jumped out at me. I began to hear the Holy Spirit say: “I remember that time that you invited half of your school to your birthday party and nobody came…….but I was there. That day when you were driving home from college and you had a cigarette in your mouth and that David Crowder song came on and you began to think about my love, that was my love being sung over you. That’s why you wept so hard that you had to pull your truck over. Every time kids picked on you, I was there. When you felt rejected, I was there. When your friend’s punched you in the head after pretending to be your friend earlier that day…. I was there. I remember when Judas betrayed me with a kiss. All of that dark stuff that you thought a girl could carry that you can’t carry that keeps you awake at night that leaves you feeling ashamed of and depressed over, I took it all to the cross and died for you so that you can have peace. All of that stuff I blotted out when I took it to the cross. I rose again so that the old you can die and the new you can live in Me. When you were lying in the road that day and you gave up, I sent them women to pick you up because that is not the plan that I had for your life. I wrote the pages of your life before you were ever born. Son, I want to give you life more abundantly. And from this time on I never smoked another cigarette, I never got drunk and I changed my vocabulary immediately. I was what felt like to be a new man. Yes, even with my broken focusing abilities and memory issues. Yes, even when I feel afraid and overwhelmed I know I serve a God who rescued me and He’s with me always. I owe Him all that I am.
Those of us with ADHD can appear to have difficulty, but I have learned that God can use it to His advantage. Studies have even proven that whatever a person with ADHD is passionate about, it really captivates their focus. And I do believe that because Jesus has captured my heart that He has changed my prayer life for the better. He rules my mind. He has become my passion. Though I still struggle with other aspects God has brought others into my life that share the same type of battle and we pursue Jesus together through it. I am hoping for more of those opportunities. I want others with ADHD and anxiety disorders to know that there is hope and healing in Christ. I know that obedience and discipline are still necessary for me to go through. For God knows my frame and gives me the strength to do what He has called me to. I hope that this testimony helps those of you that know of this battle. I pray that you find Jesus through it.