The Meds and breaking point (My Testimony part 2)

So like I was saying before this is the part where I’ve seen people show a lot of curiosity. I would like to start by saying that I do not share this with the goal to side with being pro medication or anti medication. I believe that that is a decision that must be made between an individual and God for themselves. It would be legalistic and arrogant for me to tell you that it is a black or white issue. All I can do is share my personal experience and hope that others are helped in the same way that I was.
In my 2nd grade year when I was about 8 years old or so, I was at my worst with ADHD symptoms. I was battling just to get through school every day. After much concern and exhaustion my mother took me to a doctor. To make a long story short, after multiple consultations and testing I was in fact diagnosed with ADHD. The first medication that I took was Ritalin. I will try not to be biased with my story as I know there is a strong tension between those who are for pills and those who are against it.
Over the summer before my 3rd grade year I believe is when I started taking Ritalin multiple times a day. I can tell you that it did wonders for my focus. The stimulation from these meds helped my brain to focus like I never could before. I began to ace all of my classes. My social life with other kids improved. My teacher even made a personal phone call to my parents to commend my role model behavior in school. She said that I was excelling in all of the material and that I was a wonderful example to the other kids. I’m not trying to boast by any means, but for the first time in my life I felt like I could really do well like I had wanted to all along. I was able to focus enough to use the creative and artistic talents that God had given me. Things seemed to be great. Then I remember being moved to adderall because it was tiresome having to take pills three times a day. The adderall was supposed to be a one time a day thing. There was then another pill that I tried because adderall didn’t give me the same stimulation that the Ritalin did. It was kind of annoying having to go to the nurse’s office so frequently for meds. But after a while that became the norm for me. So I was put on another medication that I can’t remember the name of. This was delayed release and again was supposed to just be a once a day pill. I was soaring through school until 6th and 7th grade.
With a combination of other things that were going on in my life, a great struggle and dark time came over me that would then last until I was almost 25 years old.
I was still suffering with my focus. The pills I would soon learn were not a cure all. They could not fix me 100%. If I could put it this way I was like a race car with 4 flat tires. The Ritalin could give me 3 great tires, but that one I was missing still seemed to mess with me. With all of the rejection that I had faced early on, I formed a defense mechanism where I would pick on other kids, especially the popular kids, before they could pick on me first. I felt a compassion for the kids who smelled funny and who were slow because I figured they hurt like I did. I would cling to them. In the mix between picking on the popular kids and clinging to the outcast kids, the harassment and rejection only intensified. At one point when kids would bully me and punch me in the face, other kids would ask me “why don’t you fight back?” And I did not know how to tell them that I could not hit them back because I did not want them to feel how I was feeling through what they were doing to me. Looking back now, I realized that that was the compassion of Christ being revealed to me. To this day I am super careful with my words. Even when someone digs at me one of my core values is that I will never allow someone to feel the rejection that I felt in my life. I don’t care what you say to me, nobody deserves to feel that hell. I am trying to learn though how to walk in wisdom and still have a backbone.
I will say that all along I was brought up in church and believe I was saved. I had a fear of God. But I never thought I experienced Him. I only learned head knowledge of God, but was unsure of the heart knowledge of God. But at church too, I had family and church members telling me that pills were the devil and that they “believed in me”. I appreciate them “believing in me”, but I don’t think they realized that that caused me to feel like I had to live up to an expectation that I could not physically attain. This only added to my shame and sense of rejection.
So I would become deeply rooted in addictive behavior and would do almost anything to get stimulated and accepted. I used to sit in my bedroom secretly fantasizing about shooting myself in the head. I was afraid it would hurt but it felt so good to think about if anyone would come to my funeral. It was like if I could fantasize about what people would say about me then it could help me gain the self esteem that I was so desperate for. I got to a point where I didn’t care if I hurt others. I learned that if I couldn’t physically take down a bigger kid with my strength then I would beat his soul with my words. This was a destructive behavior that really became imbedded in me. I was even moved out of my mom’s house to live with my dad because at this point she had taken all that she could handle. And with what I was hoping would be a fresh start began to again become all too familiar.
During this time I was going to multiple counselors between my two parents different homes. I was being diagnosed with different disorders and medications. One thing led to another and due to a separate set of circumstances I ended up living with mom again. One thing that I told myself over and over again was if I could fall in love with a girl who could love me and accept me then I would be happy. I also carried a lot of guilt and shame for bad things I did. So I figured that if a girl could love me and accept all of my garbage, then I could be free. If a girl could love me in my brokenness then I would be happy. But every time I dated a girl they could smell my baggage from a mile away. They would flee and I could never figure out why. Then there was a girl named Kelley.
It’s funny because I was in 10th grade art class and I was goofing off with a buddy. The teacher got upset and moved me next to this very attractive girl named Kelley. Kelley and I talked a few times and when she started to come to my youth group we really hit things off. We decided to “go steady” or whatever you want to call it. I really liked Kelley. I was so infatuated with her that out of my need for love and acceptance I was telling her that I loved her in the first two weeks of dating. I did this a lot with girls and I think that’s why they got so spooked. But this girl stuck it out and basically told me, “shut up. You don’t love me yet.” I fell even more in love with her because of how honest and blunt she was. But eventually my addictive and impulsive behavior kept getting me into trouble and put a strain on getting to hangout with Kelley. Her and I would have phone conversations for hours and I would begin to pour out the deep, shameful things I had done in my life. I believed that if she could accept it that I would be free from the prison cell in my head. I would end up making a phone call to her one day that ended up almost taking my life.
We were arguing because I had gotten into trouble with my mom and when Kelley heard me tell her that we couldn’t hang out again for some time I still remember her words, “David I don’t think I can do this anymore.” And suddenly I remember dropping the phone. It felt as if someone had ripped my soul out of my body. Flooded with every emotion you can imagine I began running down the road. The way I felt inside can only be explained like when the sun is shining but then thick clouds come in and take the sunshine away. Everything in me became dark and dull. I started screaming. I remember saying in my head that nobody will ever accept me. The one person who was going to save me just gave up on me. This dose of rejection surely was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had snapped and was ready to die. I laid down collapsed and exhausted in the middle of the road. I was on a blind hill and I knew if someone came along at 55mph they had no time to stop. I did not care because the pain would finally stop. Day and night for years the chains were heavy and I was tired. Then these two women stopped and picked me up out of the road and took me home. That day I decided to admit myself with parental permission to a juvenile home where I could be diagnosed and treated.
Amazingly, Kelley decided not to give up on me. When I came back home I distanced myself from her because I was afraid she would eventually give up on me. During this time I was diagnosed with bipolar. From the time I was in 2nd grade until 11th grade when this nervous breakdown happened I had been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, ADHD, Bipolar and generalized anxiety disorder. I had been on Ritalin, adderall, another one I can’t remember, depakote, Xanax and a couple others. I couldn’t sleep at night. I was afraid all of the time. Eventually Kelley and I got married and even in our first few years of marriage I was on heavy medication. They were anti psychotic drugs. My eyes were half closed all of the time. I had no emotions. As a matter of fact when I was in that group home, another kid punched me in the face and I wasn’t even mad. I actually didn’t even care. I just walked away and sat down. Throughout the next couple of years I would experience different problems in my nervous system and permanent damage in my body due to the side effects of some of the medications that I recently received a lawsuit settlement for. Still struggling to find acceptance and a solution to my mental health something had to change. I eventually would realize that pills can not heal rejection, fear and a longing for acceptance. I also needed a way to help my brain focus without the havoc of medication that I endured.
And in saying this, I believe this is a good place to stop for now. In the next blog I will share how Jesus came on the stage and forever changed my life.